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Walking Through Fear While My Life Is Still Unstable

By The Artful Woman
  Walking Through Fear Anyway: When Survival Becomes a Daily Choice I’m at risk of losing my housing right now. That sentence alone feels surreal to write, but it’s my reality. I’ve already survived things most people only ever read about. A catastrophic accident. A medically induced coma. An amputation. Metal now holding parts of my body together—including my vertebrae, and my left leg from my knee to my ankle. I’m still learning what all of this means in real time, because even now, no one has fully explained every part of what happened to me. I also don’t remember the accident itself. Not because I’m avoiding it—but because my mind shut it out. The trauma was so severe, and my body was so critically compromised, that everything went into survival shutdown. I had kidney failure and heart failure. My body was shutting down, and my brain shut down with it. What I do remember is the day. I remember my thought process clearly in the beginning. I remember thinking I wasn’t in a...
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Jesus Was Never a Christian: Untangling Faith, Fear, and Direct Connection to God

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By The Artful Woman

 


“Jesus Was Never a Christian: Untangling Faith, Fear, and Direct Connection to God”

There comes a point in many spiritual journeys where the questions stop being theoretical and start becoming deeply personal.

I found myself there recently — asking questions I once avoided.

If Jesus wasn’t a Christian, then what exactly is Christianity?
And if God isn’t inside a religion, then what am I actually relating to?

The truth is simple, but not always easy to sit with:

Jesus Christ was not a Christian. He was a Jewish teacher living within his own time, culture, and spiritual tradition. Christianity formed after his life, when his followers began trying to make sense of his teachings, his death, and what they believed was his resurrection.

Over time, those early communities evolved into structured systems — what eventually became the Church. Through councils, leadership structures, and political influence from figures like Constantine the Great, Christianity became an organized, global religion. From there, different branches formed, including Catholicism and later Protestant traditions through reformers like Martin Luther.

So what we call “Christianity” today is not a single untouched original structure. It is a living history of interpretation, tradition, disagreement, and evolution.

For many people, that realization can be disorienting.

I know it was for me.

At one point I stepped away from Catholicism and moved toward a more direct form of Christianity — one where I felt I could go straight to God without intermediaries. No saints. No hierarchy. Just prayer and relationship.

But even then, questions remained.

Was I leaving something sacred behind?
Was I doing something wrong spiritually?
Was fear shaping my beliefs more than faith?

And underneath all of it was a deeper fear I hadn’t fully named:
If I choose “wrong,” will God be angry with me?

That’s where spiritual confusion often hides — not in theology, but in fear.

Because at the core of most traditions, Catholic, Protestant, or otherwise, there is a shared idea: that connection to God matters more than getting every detail perfectly correct.

Catholics often speak of saints as intercessors — not replacements for God, but companions in prayer. Many Protestant traditions reject that structure and emphasize direct access to God through Christ alone. Both are attempts to describe relationship with the divine.

But neither was meant to create fear.

What I’ve come to understand is this:

God is not waiting to punish us for misunderstanding the system.

And spiritual growth often involves unlearning the idea that there even is a system we can fail.

Sometimes faith isn’t about choosing the “right version” of religion.
Sometimes it’s about rebuilding trust in your own direct connection to the divine — whatever language you use for that.

For me, this journey is less about doctrine now and more about presence, honesty, and inner alignment. It’s about asking:

Do I feel more connected to love, or more afraid of getting it wrong?

That answer usually tells me everything I need to know.

If you’re moving through your own questions about faith, spirituality, or what it means to connect with something greater than you, you’re not alone. If my journey resonates with you, I invite you to support my recovery and rebuilding process through my GoFundMe. Every contribution helps me continue healing, growing, and finding my way forward after life-changing trauma.


Spiritual Journey, Faith Deconstruction, Christianity Origins, Religious History, Spiritual Awakening, Direct Connection to God, Healing Journey, Inner Guidance, Sacred Questions, Religion vs Spirituality, Faith and Healing, Spiritual Growth, Church History, Jesus Teachings, Mindful Faith, Spiritual Exploration


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Location: Lake Elsinore, CA, USA

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