Toxic from the Start

 

Toxic from the Start: A Letter of Forgiveness and Release

There comes a time when we must stop carrying the weight of those who never truly valued us. This is my release. For years, I tried—I tried to love, to understand, to give, to forgive. But in the end, I was left empty, drained, and unfulfilled. There were moments I questioned my own worth, wondering if I was asking for too much when, in reality, I was only asking for the bare minimum.

This is not just a letter of forgiveness—this is closure. This is reclaiming my power. This is choosing myself over the pain, over the past, over the illusion of what could have been.

Writing poetry has become my refuge, my way of processing emotions, releasing pain, and finding clarity. Words set me free. They give me space to heal, to make sense of my journey, and to finally let go of the weight I’ve carried for far too long.

If you’ve ever given your heart to someone who never truly saw you, if you’ve ever poured love into someone who only took and never gave, if you’ve ever felt like you were nothing more than an afterthought in someone else’s life—this is for you.

I share this, not just as a reflection of my own healing, but as a reminder that you, too, can let go. You, too, can forgive. And most importantly, you, too, can be free.

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Toxic from the Start

I forgive you—
For pretending to be someone you weren’t.
For acting like you lived a normal life.
For making me believe in a version of you that never existed.

I forgive you for the lies you told,
Even though they cut deep,
Because I truly believed in you.

I forgive you—
For the cruel words you spoke,
Only to double down and say them again.
For using me to serve your own selfish needs.
For never truly loving me in any way that mattered.

I forgive you—
For bashing my head in after I was found nearly dead.
For your bitter, joyless existence.
For believing women are less than you.
For never bringing any happiness into my life,
Yet always trying to ruin mine.

I forgive you—
As I pull the knife from my back,
For all the times I was under attack,
And you never had my back.
I forgive you—
But I never want you back.

I forgive you—
For all the time of mine you wasted,
For the energy you drained,
For all the times I tried to lift you up,
While all you did was push me down.
I forgive you for never truly trying—
And for making me try harder for you
Than you ever tried for yourself.

I forgive you—
For wearing me out,
For leaving me empty, dry, and drained.
For never caring about anything but yourself.
For refusing to be more,
For being nothing but a gambler, a chain smoker, a stoner—
Disengaged, disconnected,
Silent when you should have spoken,
Complaining when you should have been grateful.

I forgive you—
For all the times you came here just to tune me out.
For five years of meals I made for you,
Only for you to dine and dash.
I was your personal doormat.
For never even trying to have a conversation with me.
For loving your games more than you loved me.
For loving your cigarettes more than you loved me.
For loving yourself more than you ever loved me.

I forgive you—
For never showing emotion,
For numbing yourself to life,
For lacking the love and depth that normal people have.
For never wanting to embrace me,
For never even placing a kiss on my face.

I forgive you—
For never believing I was worthy of a compliment.
For never telling me I was beautiful.
For never acknowledging my strength or the effort it took to recover from my stroke.
For ignoring my accomplishments, for never offering a kind word, encouragement, or support.

You sat in silence and watched as I rose from the ashes.
But despite your indifference, I learned to fly. I healed. I thrived.

I did it all on my own. I never needed you. I chose you.

But the truth is, you are a Empty. Hollow. Soul.

And it was never me who was undeserving. It was you.

I forgive you—
For never taking me anywhere.
For never truly seeing me.
For not understanding that I value experiences over things.

I waited on you hand and foot, yet you never lifted a finger.
You never offered, never showed appreciation.
And for that I forgive you too.

I forgive you for every time I asked for a simple favor,
Only for it to turn into a battle—
A fight to the nail and dagger
Over things you should have done without being asked.

But most of all, I forgive myself—
For expecting more from someone
Who was never willing to give.

I forgive you—
For your silence,
For your bitterness,
For the way your only words were complaints.
And I realize now—
This was never a me problem.
This was always a you problem.

I forgive you—
Because that’s all you know.
And you refuse to grow.

I forgive you—
Because I refuse to carry your weight anymore.
Because I deserve better.

Good luck to you.

But now it’s time for you to go.

And now, I am free.