I’m Tired of Being Tested. I’m Ready to Feel Blessed.

I’m Tired of Being Tested. I’m Ready to Feel Blessed.

Lately, I’ve been diving into teachings about energy, abundance, nervous system healing, and consciousness. I started listening to books like The Body Code, revisiting some of the work from David R. Hawkins and his Map of Consciousness, and exploring ideas around changing your emotional “state” to shift your life.

At first, I think I approached it from a place of frustration.

Because honestly?
I’m tired.

Tired of surviving.
Tired of fear.
Tired of feeling like life is one long series of lessons, tests, trauma, recovery, rebuilding, and “overcoming.”

After surviving a stroke, years of emotional healing, toxic relationships, financial fear, and then a catastrophic accident that completely changed my life — including losing part of my limb and enduring multiple surgeries, recovery, pain, trauma, and the emotional aftermath of rebuilding my life all over again — I realized something:

My nervous system learned survival so deeply that sometimes it doesn’t know how to relax into receiving.

And that hit me hard.

When I looked into the Hawkins scale and took one of the assessments, I landed around 283 — somewhere between neutrality and willingness. At first I wondered if that meant I “should” be higher spiritually. But the more I reflected on it, the more I realized this journey isn’t about becoming perfect or enlightened.

It’s about moving from contraction into expansion.

From fear into trust.
From scarcity into openness.
From survival into creation.

One thing Hawkins said that stayed with me is that courage is the turning point. Below that level, we tend to live in force, fear, shame, grief, anger, and survival. Above it, we begin moving into willingness, acceptance, love, and peace.

And honestly, I think that’s where I’ve been living lately:
in the space between surviving and becoming.

Not fully out of fear.
But no longer completely trapped inside it either.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about abundance lately. Not just money — although I’m definitely healing my relationship with that too.

I grew up with scarcity conditioning. Fear around money. Instability. Survival energy. The kind of programming that teaches you to brace for loss instead of expecting support.

So now, as an adult, I’m trying to unlearn the belief that life is only struggle.

I’ve listened to teachers like Florence Scovel Shinn, who said abundance is our birthright, and Jessica Ortner, who talks about looking around at nature and recognizing that abundance already exists everywhere.

And honestly?
That part resonates with me deeply.

Because I’m a nature person.

Give me gardens, flowers, trees, birdsong, wind, mountains, ocean air, sunlight on leaves… that’s where I see abundance most clearly.

Nature never seems afraid to grow.

A garden doesn’t panic that there won’t be enough.
A flower does not strain to prove it deserves to bloom.
A tree doesn’t apologize for taking up space.

Nature simply participates in life.

And maybe that’s what I’m learning too.

Maybe abundance isn’t about chasing harder, forcing outcomes, or pretending pain never existed.

Maybe abundance begins the moment we stop identifying solely with survival.

Maybe it starts when we teach our bodies that it’s safe to soften.
Safe to receive.
Safe to rest.
Safe to trust.
Safe to imagine something beyond struggle.

For so long, my energy has gone into bracing for impact.

Now I’m trying to redirect that energy toward creating, healing, receiving, and living.

Not because life hasn’t been hard.
It has.

But because I’m finally realizing I don’t want my entire identity to be built around surviving hard things.

I want peace.
I want beauty.
I want nourishment.
I want connection.
I want ease.
I want a life where I’m not constantly waiting for the next disaster.

I’m tired of being tested.

I’m ready to feel blessed.

And maybe the first step toward abundance isn’t forcing myself into a “higher vibration.”

Maybe it’s simply remembering that I’m part of creation too.

And creation has always known how to grow.

I'm tired of merely surviving. I'm learning to receive, to heal, and to trust that life can be beautiful again. Thank you for being part of my journey. ❤️

Follow along as I rebuild my life after loss, turn pain into purpose, and create a future defined not by what I lost, but by what's still possible.

Please donate to my GoFundMe and help me rebuild my life after losing my leg in a devastating car accident. Every contribution, no matter the size, helps me continue my recovery and create a new future filled with possibility. Thank you for your support.

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