Why did this happen to me?
Not just in a surface-level way—but in a deeper, more unsettling way.
Was this random?
Or was there a reason?
And if there was a reason… was it somehow my fault?
When Faith Gets Tangled with Fear
I started questioning things I never thought I would.
Even my curiosity—exploring things like tarot, pendulums, and spiritual tools—suddenly felt like something I needed to examine under a microscope.
Was I stepping outside of my faith?
Was I doing something I wasn’t supposed to do?
Was this some kind of consequence?
It’s a hard place to sit in—when your beliefs, your curiosity, and your trauma all start blending together.
The Truth I Keep Coming Back To
The more I sit with these questions, the more I realize something important:
Not everything that happens is a message.
Not everything is a lesson.
And not everything painful is a punishment.
Sometimes things happen because life is unpredictable.
Because people make reckless choices.
Because we live in a world where not everything is fair or preventable.
That doesn’t make it easier.
But it does make it clearer.
Separating Meaning from Blame
There’s a difference between searching for meaning and assigning blame.
Searching for meaning is human.
But blaming yourself for something that was outside of your control?
That’s a weight no one should have to carry.
I didn’t cause this.
I didn’t deserve this.
And I don’t need to turn my suffering into something symbolic just to make it valid.
Where I Am Now
I’m still healing.
Still processing.
Still learning how to exist in a body and a life that changed overnight.
I don’t have everything figured out.
I don’t have a clean, inspiring takeaway.
What I do have is this:
A growing understanding that I’m allowed to be in the middle of this.
To question.
To feel.
To not have answers yet.
And to trust—however slowly—that clarity will come in its own time.
The questions without answers.
The healing that doesn’t look linear.
The moments where faith and doubt sit side by side.
I’m not here because I have it all figured out.
I’m here because I’m living it—one day, one breath, one truth at a time.
If my story resonates with you, please consider donating, sharing my GoFundMe, or simply helping me keep this story moving forward. Recovery after trauma isn’t just physical — it’s emotional, financial, spiritual, and ongoing. Every share, donation, kind word, and prayer helps lighten the weight of rebuilding a life after everything changes overnight. Thank you for standing beside me while I figure out what healing, faith, fear, and survival truly look like now.
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